To Each Our Own Path

Most of you know that I had a pretty rough childhood, due to mental illness. Most of my teenage and early adolescent years were spent in a very dark place. I've shared my story on previous blogs and for those of you that know me well, know that I haven't always been an 'all together kind of a girl' (not that I am now). For some reason I insist on learning the hard way. It's just the way it goes with me. I think it's fair to say that I have never insinuated that I am perfect, nor even remotely close to it, but one thing is for certain...today, at this very moment in time, I have an excellent relationship with my Heavenly Father. 

There have been times where I was so full of darkness, I attempted to end my own life. There have been countless times where I didn't feel worthy of God's love for me. To this day I struggle to know for a certainty whether those that I am closest to even love me at all. 

Living with mental illness is not an easy road. I have wanted to throw in the towel many times, but one thing that I know is that the longer that I live with it, the more I learn from it. This is my path on this journey of life. For some greater purpose beyond what I understand at this point, I have to experience this in order to fulfill my role in building up the kingdom of heaven. 

Those of us that struggle with illness of any kind know that in periods of our lives, when we are doing all that we can to receive the light, darkness still manages to creep up on us. Sometimes we see it coming and we are able to prevent it. Other times we do whatever it takes to keep it out, yet it still comes. Most times it hits us like a ton of unwanted bricks and there is nothing that we can do to prevent it. For whatever reason that it has crept up on us and left us debilitated, I want you to know that there is always hope. On the other side of darkness, there is always light. We may not see it as easily as others at times, but we can have faith that it is always there. 

I recently went through a two-year period of depression. Two of my children are very small, my youngest only just over a year at the time that the depression hit, and the next being 2 and a half, both at the age of which we all know to be the most crucial in a child's development. I was unable to properly provide the most basic of necessities for my small children, let alone help any kind of development. The guilt that I felt during that period was unbearable, anything beyond what I have ever experienced. I spent months at a time not being able to leave my bedroom, hardly able to walk myself to the bathroom, let alone care for two small, fully dependant children who needed my undivided attention. Satan deceived me into thinking that family members and friends, very close to my heart, felt that I was nothing short of a burden in their lives (perhaps it was true for some), as he does time and time again. He snuck into my mind at a time where I was vulnerable and convinced me that I was entirely worthless. Many times during that two-year period I felt an unpleasant urge to end my life so that my children could have a life better than what I was able to give them. Each day that I continued to feel this way was one day closer to making the decision to end my life. 

My husband was a constant target. He is to this day. Every time that I have a 'bad day' or week, month, year, etc my husband bares the brunt of it. Thankfully, when in search of my eternal companion, Heavenly Father knew exactly what lay ahead for us and He blessed me with one of the most supportive, loving and humble men on the planet. Although I know this and am forever grateful, I often let life get in the way and my illness take over and how quickly I forget the man that he is. (I'll keep working on that one😉)

During this two years, I rarely felt worthy of taking the sacrament or getting on my knees in prayer. My relationship with Heavenly Father became more of a guilt-ridden burden than what it was truly meant to be. Over time I lost almost all hope and faith in His plan for my life. I had no purpose and no reason to breath. I was a burden to my family, friends and those around me. 

Slowly, through attending my church meetings, listening to the talks during sacrament and learning the basics that I was teaching in my primary class, I learned and then experienced that Heavenly Fathers hand is forever stretched out, waiting for us to reach up and grab hold of His grace. I felt of His love for me at a time where there was no hope. Through the little things that I heard or read, I began to realize that it was up to me to find solace for my life again. I had to push through the endless guilt and torment that engulfed my thoughts and force myself to read and study as much about the gospel of Jesus Christ as I could. I focused on stories full of miracles and began to have faith that if I prayed for my own miracle I was worthy of receiving one. 

Eventually, through inspiration, our family received our miracle. It came in the form of a tiny spirit baby that only blessed us for a very short time but long enough to know that Heavenly Father was and is guiding our lives and that as long as we continue to trust in Him and His plan for us, we will make it through this life that can so often get us down.

Many great and wonderful blessings came from this time in our lives and we are a stronger family because of it. Since then, my eyes have been more open to the beauty that He has blessed us with. The sky is bluer, the grass greener, my family happier. I am able to serve better, love better and let go of more. Don't get me wrong, the darkness still sneaks into my life and I have really, REALLY bad moments, but now I am able to have more faith in the light at the end of the tunnel.

The bottom line is that we all fall short of perfection. Each of us struggles in our own way. If only we could be a little kinder, reach out a little harder, love a little more, we would realize that we are all children of God with one common ground...figuring out who we are and what we have to offer. Heavenly Father is aware of each of us individually and the struggles that we face.

If we only had more empathy for the paths that each of us have walked, we might find that we are all fallen souls living in a fallen world and that is exactly where we are supposed to be. We are all walking the path necessary for our learning and growth that Heavenly Father knows will be beneficial for our future. We are learning lessons along the way, some of which will take us a lifetime to learn. Please don't judge me because you learned it quicker than I did. And please don't tell me that the solution is simple because perhaps in my perspective, it isn't. 

We all receive inspiration and insight for our own lives. Just because one thing works one way for someone doesn't mean that it will work the same way for someone else. Life is so complex. We can't even begin to figure out how it all works outside of walking the path that we are led to walk. Heavenly Father is guiding each of us individually for what He has prepared for us and our lives. He knows us inside and out and He loves us perfectly. May we always be able to push aside the demons that work so hard to bring us down and always be mindful of the end result. We are never alone, no matter how much we may feel we are. Keep going beauties! This life is full of goodness and glory...some of us just have to experience the darkness for a while until we can find the light again, but rest assured that it is always there, waiting and willing to light up your life! 

Heavenly Father Hears and Answers All of Our Prayers

This morning I woke up from a very bad dream, only to realize that it wasn't a dream at all. It was very real and my husband and I had just experienced one of the saddest moments in our marriage. 

Yesterday, 2 days before I was due to clear my 1st trimester of pregnancy (a milestone that every pregnant woman is relieved to reach), I started noticing some mild cramping in my lower abdomen and back. It was so mild that I wrote it off as my uterus stretching, getting ready for this growing baby inside of me. We were on our way home from church when I noticed the pain and had forgotten all about it by the time we walked through the door. 

It's the May long weekend and our family had planned on visiting 'home' to visit friends and family that we hadn't seen for a while, and like always were very excited, but I guess that Heavenly Father knew what the weekend had in store for us more than we did because one of our little girls came down with Scarlett Fever (very scary but she's fine now), leaving us with no choice but to cancel our trip and stay close to home instead. I've learned that when something comes up, causing us to miss out on our adventures, I need to put my trust in Heavenly Father who knows what is best for us more than we ourselves do. So as much as we were disappointed to not be able to go, we knew that there was a reason behind it. 

I came in the house and, like most pregnant women, headed straight for the bathroom. Everything was fine until I wiped and noticed some light red/pink blood on my toilet paper and a red flag instantly went up. Something was wrong and I knew it. I didn't want to panic just incase it was nothing so I laid on the couch and searched the net for any sense of relief that I could find. There were many sites, some medical, which suggested that if there is blood and cramping within pregnancy to seek medical attention right away, as well as some chat groups, which involved numerous women talking about similar symptoms, most of which ended up being nothing to worry about and had carried their babies to full-term. It left me feeling entirely unsure of what I could expect. There wasn't much blood so I decided to wait it out a little longer but to make sure that I was resting.

Our cancelled trip caused us to miss out on some much needed family campfire time, so to make the best out of a disappointing situation, Friday evening we had picked up a fire pit of our own and had planned to have a small campfire in our backyard (which we weren't sure was legal but we were up for the challenge) Saturday night. The kids were so looking forward to our outdoor adventure and had helped daddy set up our new fire pit as well as our new patio furniture and, of course, their camping chairs. 

I had gotten a small nap in and was feeling better so I woke to help Andrew with dinner when all of a sudden I felt a gush of blood flow out of me. I ran to the bathroom with a face full of panic and tears, immediately deciding that a hospital trip was now very necessary. We called our 'London mom', Kathy, who came over right away to play with the girls while we headed to the hospital. Thank goodness for mothers!

This has been my hardest pregnancy yet. Not only was I violently ill for many weeks, causing me to spend most of my time in bed and then leading me into a pretty intense episode of depression, I've also had this sad feeling of not ever getting to enjoy this baby, as if I was just a tool in helping it gain life and then watching as it returned to live with Heavenly Father again. A couple of dreams about losing the baby had left me startled and confused, but with the help of others around me I was able to brush them off as normal pregnancy fears. 

All of the way to the hospital I felt strongly that this was it, that the baby was gone, but as we sat in the waiting room and then the ER room waiting for the doctor to be able to see us, my worry started to fade and I managed to have a glimmer of hope that we may actually walk out of there, still parents-to-be to our number four. The blood work came back and the nurse notified us that my hCG levels were still very high, which was a good sign, so we started to think of other possibilities at this point, much more optimistic than leaving with no baby at all. 

In our faith, we know that families are forever and that even if this sweet baby didn't make it past the first trimester we would still have the opportunity to know and love it once we ourselves return to our Father in Heaven again one day. Keeping that in mind was certainly helpful while going through this experience but (I speak for myself and not my husband at this point) what happened next left me feeling so empty and alone and, at this point, I didn't know what to make of the situation.

After 9 excruciatingly long hours of playing the waiting game to know whether our baby was still with us or not, the doctor finally made his way into our room. It seemed like only moments before he had a bed side ultrasound and was checking for a heartbeat. I looked at the screen and was positive that I had seen a little face and waited so intently to see a beating little heart, but as the doctor spoke the words, "I'm afraid that I can't make out a fetus at all." my heart skipped a beat or two and I lost my breath completely. I looked up at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face as he explained that sometimes during the first trimester of pregnancy, everything seems normal and pregnancy symptoms develop but the cells and tissue do not form a fetus. So my body was going through all of the signs of pregnancy, from morning sickness to a growing sack and uterus but there was no baby being developed. He told us that it was more common than we would imagine and that if we talk to some of our friends they may actually have a similar story to tell.

Needless to say, I left the hospital feeling very empty. I had a million questions that I wanted immediate answers to but my biggest question of all was, 'Does this mean that this little spirit that I had just spent the last 12 weeks bonding with doesn't even exist?'. I mean, 'will I ever meet this sweet spirit or did I really just bond with an undeveloped fetus?'. That is a very uneasy, unfair feeling that nobody should ever have to experience and I can't tell you that I have a logical answer to my question other then, we are all faced with challenges. Some mild, others severe but all are for our Eternal growth and understanding. 

I consider this one of my greatest challenges, above my mental illness, above my unfair upbringing, above the fact that my marriage has been on the downslopes for much over two years now, but I know and believe with everything that I have that it is for a purpose. A purpose far greater than what I can even try to comprehend in this life and one day I, WE, will all have answers to our many questions and we will know that we are loved so very much. I know that The Saviour has His arms around me at this very moment. I've felt Him here since the long drive home last night when the thought of how very blessed Andrew and I are to have three beautiful, healthy children came into my heart and I felt at peace. 

I don't know if it's fair to consider this a blessing, but for the first time in a very long time last night I was able to reach out to my husband and while in his arms, feel a sense of security that we are going to make it together. I was reassured when I lay in bed between my two beautiful girls that I am a good mother and that I deserve this incredible family that I have been blessed with. I am pleased to know that we have raised a good son to his youth and that he is making excellent choices everyday that bring him closer to Heavenly Father. 

I am full of love today. Love for my Saviour. Love for my Father in Heaven. They are both strengthening me and I can feel it. I pray that my love luminates to others around me so they can also feel of the love that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for us because it is the only thing in the world that can make us whole, despite all of our trials and our weaknesses. 

Yesterday at church, in the primary class that I teach, my lesson was on how 'Heavenly Father Hears and Answers All of Our Prayers'. In the lesson it talks about how sometimes the answer that He has for us is not the answer that we want to hear or sometimes He doesn't answer right away and it's hard to remain faithful and strong during those times. I encouraged these young children that I teach to be mindful of those times when Heavenly Father has answered their prayers and it may not necessarily be the answer that they want to hear and to try to be more accepting that Heavenly Father knows what is best for our lives more than we know for ourselves. It is important to trust in Him that He will direct our lives in a way that is best for us, even if we don't understand it at that time. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have taught that lesson to the children because I believe that it was Heavenly Fathers way of preparing me for what was about to happen in my life. I have prayed for a long time to be able to have another baby and I believe that His answer is, 'it's not quite the right time'. I have faith that His plan for me is perfect for the life that He has for me and I am grateful to be able to trust in Him.

I bare you my testimony that The Saviour lives, that the atonement is very real and that through it we can all be saved and feel of His love, even in the darkest of moments. I am grateful to know and serve Him and to be able to feel of His love for me in times when I feel completely alone. I am grateful for trial that helps me grow and makes me stronger and reminds me that there is so much more to life than what we see in everyday situations. There is an incredible plan...a perfect plan...that Heavenly Father has for each of us and if we can all look to Him for guidance, we can and WILL be shown the way. I leave you my testimony and my love in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

Living a Bipolar Life Through the Gospel of Jesus Christ

Hello everyone! It's been a long time since my last blog and I have been dying to get on here! Life has taken a turn for me lately (that's quite common in my life) and I have been on a bit of a 'high' keeping me extremely busy. For those of you that suffer from bipolar disorder like I do or have someone in your life that does, you'll understand what I'm talking about. For those of you that don't, I'll tell you...

Having bipolar disorder is like being on a never-ending roller coaster of emotions. The track (your life) is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, dips and curves, at all different levels and speeds. Imagine a roller coaster creeping it's way up a really big slope, higher and higher, until eventually you've reached the clouds and you are surrounded with the brightest and most glorious sky that you have ever seen, convincing you that Heavenly Father stands at the head of it. But wait, all of a sudden there is a slight turn in the path and before you know it you are speeding down the steepest hill, faster and faster, until you reach the bottom where you are met with a long, dark tunnel, full of deamons and fire breathing dragons pulling at you from every angle. Of course it never ends there! It continues it's course up and down, alternating between large and small hills, around curves and bends, through more dark tunnels and back into the glorious sky, over and over again, until you are so exhausted that all you can do is shut down and tune everything out around you. 

Sounds fun eh?! Lol! I'm sure that to many of you that enjoy the thrill of a roller coaster, it could sound exhilarating, but imagine this roller coaster never ending. Just when you think that you are getting to the end, it makes another turn and climbs another hill, over and over again, until you realize that you are going to ride this roller coaster for the rest of your life.

In all seriousness, there isn't anything fun about it. It's exhausting, confusing, emotionally draining, and lonely, but most  of all, it's terrifying! The fear of never knowing what mood you will be in when you wake up in the morning, or on the occasion when you are experiencing a really high, elevated day, the fear of going to sleep at night, knowing that eladedness will be gone come morning and more than likely will result in the following day being spent in darkness and despair. But the most terrifying of all (and this takes a great deal of humility for me to admit) is when I'm in a complete fit of rage and I see the fear in my childrens eyes as they watch me try to rip the demons out from inside of me that are convincing me to take my own useless and burdensome life, that is the scariest of it all. That is as dark as it can get for me and I realize how horribly crazy that may seem to a lot of you but for me who has had to live through it on countless occasions, I can assure you, it is far more horrifying to experience than to hear about. One can understand why someone like me (in the past) would turn to drink or drugs to drive away the horridness of these situations. It's no wonder that we have so many people that become destructive and ultimately destroy their lives with substance abuse. I get it! I did it! But I'll tell you, having lived through it and come out the other side of it, I can tell you that it's not worth it. It only brings you deeper and deeper into the darkness of depression. A temporary fix ALWAYS leads to long term suffering. Unfortunately, the pain and fear is too much to bare at times and most become defeated by submitting to their weaknesses. 

Feeling defeated is something that I experience much in my life, making it nearly impossible to experience the feeling of progression that we are all working so hard to attain in our lives. 

I say that but I am also full of gratitude, because as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I have a knowledge that not only can I learn to lessen my afflictions through the Attonement of Jesus Christ, but I also have the knowledge that one day I can return to live with my Father in Heaven and be completely and wholly healed of them! That is a knowledge that I wouldn't trade for any illness or affliction that I have experienced in my time here on Earth! Because of what I know through the gospel of Jesus Christ, I am able to have hope for a better and brighter future for myself and my family. I am able to maintain a relationship with my Heavenly Father that allows me to receive inspiration and council from Him that helps me to make good choices that will lead me closer to salvation and further away from the darkness that sometimes enters my life. From the guidance of the Holy Ghost, that He has blessed me with through the waters of baptism, I am able to listen and hear answers to my prayers and gain a better understanding as to why I am experiencing these difficult times in this life and I learn how to manage myself in a way that lessons my load of trials. I am fully blessed to have the gospel in my life to lead and direct me each day to live a fuller and more prosperous life that will eventually bring me all of the joy and happiness that I may have for my future. 

The Word of Wisdom (https://www.lds.org/topics/word-of-wisdom?lang=eng) is one of the greatest revelations that we have been given to help direct our lives in the last days, the days in which we are now living. Heavenly Father knew that times were going to get tough and therefore offered this council as direction for a better and healthier lifestyle, which would lead to a more pure mind, body and spirit. By following His teachings, and living the Word of Wisdom, we are more susceptible to His council and can therefor see more clearly of what we need to do to become closer to returning to live with Him one day and receiving all the many wonderful and glorious blessings that He has and will continue to promise us.

There is no other way to live than through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, relying fully on His Attonement to heal and bless us in every detail. It is the way in which our Father in Heaven prepared for us to be able to grow and learn and experience so that we may gain an understanding greater than what we could ever imagine! I know that my eyes have been opened far more because of the trials that I have faced and continue to face in my life. Because I am pushed to my breaking point, I can appreciate so much greater the joy and fulfillment that come from my experiences and although it is heart wrenching while we are going through these horrible trials, we have so much better an understanding as we make it through them.

Faith is something that I pray for continually in my life, and although I feel that I am someone who lacks faith, I can see it strengthening as I am faced with each and every trial that comes my way. I am grateful for the opportunity to feel hardship as I know that I have grown tremendously because of it. Each and every day I am tried but each and everyday my faith is strengthened and I become that much closer to living with my Heavenly Father. Sometimes it feels as though I am not growing at all but when I take a step back and remember where I was a month ago, or a year ago, or a decade ago, I am reminded that my trials have not gone unrewarded. 

My prayer is that I can touch others in my life...my children, a sister, brother, cousin, friend, or even a stranger...and that through my example of faith in my Saviour, I may share the knowledge that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us and that this plan will lead to our eternal salvation. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be without the eternal blessings that He has promised us and I feel so much gratitude in my heart towards Him for preparing this way before us. We so often let our pride get in the way of what we could have. If we could only listen to The Spirit more carefully and hear the words which He is speaking to us, without all of the distraction that block our views each day, we would be so much more blessed by His generosity that He is so desperately wanting us to receive. 

The love that I have toward my Heavenly Father has grown so much throughout each of my trials and I can more clearly see what He is trying to help each of us achieve. I am so grateful for the time that I have been given on Earth to learn and grow and I have faith in the plan that Heavenly Father has for me personally while I am here. 

Coming from someone who has mentally experienced being dragged through the depths of hell and can still remain faithful and full of gratitude on the other side of it, is a sure sign that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the ONLY way to live a fulfilling and accomplished life. It is the reason for our existence and the sooner that we realize it and welcome it in to our lives, the sooner it will begin filling us with richness and blessings beyond anything we have ever imagined! Life isn't about the large houses that we live in or the fancy cars that we drive, how much money we make or how many trips we can take. It's about the way we live our lives, the service that we do, the love that we have for everyone, the growth and knowledge that we attain, the relationship that we build with our Heavenly Father, and the covenants that we make and keep with Him. We will never run out of opportunities to learn and grow and it is our duty to make the most out of lives each and every day.

As I continue to struggle with my severe illness, the most important thing for me to do is pray. Through prayer my relationship with my Heavenly Father is strengthened and I am able to receive council and direction. Through direction I am able to know what will help me to receive the healing that I am seeking for myself and my family. Through healing I receive faith in my Saviour and His sacrificing Attonement. All good things are achieved through the Attonement of Jesus Christ. 

For me, most days are a struggle, but I am learning what can help them to improve. The dark days come and I take them as they come and when the bright days come, I soak them up as much as I possibly can. Each day is different from the last, but the one thing that is certain and will never change is the faith that I have that my Father in Heaven has a greater plan for me than I have for myself and therefor, I look to Him each and every day to see fit that I will grow in knowledge and spirit the way He would have me do. I am so grateful for my testimony that I have built through the Gospel of Jesus Christ and it soothes my mind to know that eventually all will be for a greater purpose, far beyond our understanding in this life!

Snow Day...Tricked You!

Today was a great day!

It started off with all of us getting ready for the day, only to discover that it was a snow day, or so we thought. I jumped on Facebook for my quick 5 minute morning review and saw that a friend, who lives nearby, had posted about a snow day. Again?! Without thinking I commented loud enough for the kids to hear that it was ANOTHER snow day. I'm pretty sure Austin was back in his pj's within 30 seconds flat and ready to enjoy another day at home. As if he hasn't had enough time at home this winter. As I checked the school bus website, just to be sure, I discovered that, although many of the bus routes were cancelled, ours wasn't. Oh man! Austin was ready to kill me. I sadly apologized to him and told him to go get ready for school. He was not impressed. Lucky for him, within about 5 minutes, it started blizzarding and Andrew and I decided that they could stay home anyway. I'm so glad that we did because around the time that they would have been walking to the bus stop and boarding (without wearing a seatbelt-I hate that!), it looked like a white-out out there! I felt guilty that they were missing another day of school but so happy that my babies were safe and warm at home with me. 

The girls needed something to do while they were both home for the day so we got started on some cute snowman friends, made out of styrofoam balls and little bits of craft items that I had in my craft bin. They had a blast putting the snowmen friends together and I was happy to be doing something productive with them (considering that doesn't happen very often). 

Here's the finished snowman friends!

Lili's has a hat and Kali wanted hers to have a surfboard so that he could go surfing. Olaf plays in the hot sun, why can't Kali's snowman, right?!

Austin and I listened to a couple John Bytheway talks today. For those of you that aren't familiar with him, he is an LDS motivational speaker that works mainly with the youth of the church. He's hilarious and the kids just love him! At first Austin was irritated that he had to spend his snow day listening to a 'church talk' but it wasn't long before Brother Bytheway (we call each other brother and sister in our church as we are all children of God, therefor we are all brothers and sisters) had Austin in stitches. I highly recommend his talks to anyone. If you want children with high standards and gods morals, John Bytheway is the man and offers excellent talks. It led to a great discussion between Austin and I and I felt blessed to be enjoying this moment with him. 

After lunch (Austin cooked-bonus!) I put Lili down for her nap and Kali was resting with a movie, I decided that I needed a project. I was in the mood! I didn't want to go out in the storm (although I would have if I had to) so I needed something that I could make from what I had on hand. I knew that I had a bunch of unused fabric in the basement and have been wanting to make a rag wreath for a while now so I went with it! With Valentines Day only a week or so away, I decided to use some of my red and white fabric to make myself a Valentines Day wreath. A few hours later, and lots of tearing and cutting fabric into small pieces like so...

 and then tying them onto a coat hanger that I had shaped into a circle like so...

 I had a finished project. It turned out pretty good!

I still had quite a few pieces left so I started a second one, this time with the coat hanger in the shape of a heart. 

I have the round one hanging on the front door,

and the heart one hanging from the chandelier in the eating area.

I have to say that, paired with the red, white and pink flowers that Andrew brought home for me yesterday, it's looking quite like Valentines Day is upon us. 

Even after Andrew had come home around 6pm, I was still feeling quite ambitious (it has definitely been a high day-even I noticed my speed talking) so Andrew and I decided to go on a little date downtown for some famous poutine from Smoke's Poutinery, while Austin made dinner (that's two meals for Austin in one day!) for he and the girls. I had heard that their poutines were really good but had yet to try them so we gave it a try. I got the traditional poutine with jalapeños and sautéed onions (next time I'll do without the onions-yuck),

while Andrew tried out the Philly Cheesesteak,

which I know looks really horrible in this picture but it was really good! I hate when Andrew and I go out to eat and there are so many delicious sounding items to choose from (I LOVE FOOD!!!) and I carefully select mine (and let's be honest here, I usually select his also because I'm stuck between two things so I pressure him into getting the other item that I really want to try) and his ends up being better than mine! That's the worst! Well it happened tonight, but I am happy to report that I didn't complain, nor did I end up pouting until Andrew finally decided to trade with me. I quietly ate my own poutine (okay and maybe took a few [really big] bites of Andrews). Overall, I wouldn't rave about the poutine, nor the setting (I wasn't expecting much-I still had my track pants on), but it was nice to just sneak away from the kids for an hour and enjoy some alone time. Here we are enjoying our poutines and each other.

Isn't he cute?! I love that he makes an effort to look somewhat presentable when we go out. When we first got married, I was lucky if he didn't have the worst case of bed head known to man every time that we walked out the door! He lived in hoodies, jeans and running shoes and only showered on odd days (okay, so I made that last part up-sort of). Six years later (this month), he regularly wears collared shirts and dress shoes and well, the bed head... I guess it's a trade mark because it's still there. But hey, I was wearing track pants so what can I expect? 

It's getting late now but I hate going to bed after a really good, high-energy day. 99.9% of the time I will wake up the next day exhausted and worn out from all my many ambitious adventures the previous day. Thankfully, I seem to be in a better place lately and despite what 'down days' come my way, I can expect them to be better than any 'good day' when I'm in a bad place. That's positive thinking right? 

One more picture of my sweet Austin before I head to bed. He rarely let's me take his picture so I don't have many of him but here's one that exemplifies him perfectly.

Yes, he is just a big goofball! A goofball that makes his whole family laugh, even if we are laughing at him and not with him! I love him! I love all my babies! 

And on that note...

Nighty night!

My New Found Love of Reading!

I just went to grab my book, 'Heaven is Here' by Stephanie Nielson for me to reference from when I tell you all about it (as I promised that I would) and I remembered that I lent it out to my brother-in-law. I cannot possibly give you a review without the book in my hand other than to tell you that it was AMAZING!!! I loved every second of it! She did such a such a great job of telling her story, something that was very hard for her to re-live, I couldn't put it down. In fact, I read it in only a couple of days. For me to get through a book in a couple of days, it has to be good! What a heart wrenching story but with the healing power of the atonement she was able to overcome her greatest trials! The last few chapters I literally sobbed like a baby as I read! Just ask Andrew! I sat for at least an hour crying tears of joy and an overwhelming sence of gratitude for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life! It was truly amazing and I want to share more with you but I don't have my copy in front of me and I also don't want to ruin it for you. You have to read it yourself. Go, right now! Get on line! Order it so that you can read it! Here's the link...

Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson

I told Andrew that I was going to buy a second copy because I know that the amount of times I will be lending this book out, I will never get to see it again. I haven't bought another one yet but we shall see how long it is before I get it back and the condition that it's in. I put it neatly into a plastic zip lock bag and expressed my love for it, so I'm sure that I'll be getting it back in one piece.

I didn't realize how much I enjoyed reading! Once I managed to get the kids down so that I could hear what I was reading, without the many interruptions, I actually loved it! I guess I have always enjoyed it, I just have never really made it a priority. I'm glad that I did because it helped me through a couple of 'down' days that could have been utterly waisted on feeling miserable. The combination of the feel good book that it was and the fact that I was making good use of my time helped me to get through those days a little easier. 

I'm now onto 'The Child Whisperer' by Carol Tuttle, given to me by my friend Kathy. It was a gift for helping her throw her daughters birthday, the one that I blogged about last week. She has been telling me about it for ages and I've been saying that I'd love to read it. It was so thoughtful when I received it, all wrapped up nicely in pink (my favourite colour) paper and a pretty bow. I can't remember the last time I got a beautifully wrapped gift like that. I felt so special!

"The ultimate handbook for raising happy, successful, cooperative children." I mean come on, who doesn't want that?! I'm excited to get into it, although I haven't had much time yet. I'm going to cut this short tonight so that I can get a bit of reading in. I'll let you know if there are any genius parenting tricks that I learn along the way. I could definitely use some! 

Andrew and Austin just got in from seeing a movie and Austin will have 500 stories to tell me about the movie before he winds down and goes to bed. He's already begun talking and I haven't even finished my post. Wish me luck! I LOVE MY KIDS!!! (I really do!)

Night night!

Another Wonderful Weekend!

A quiet weekend with nothing on the calendar sure filled up quickly with visits from family and friends, a tobaggoning outing, lots of pranks and of course, the best part, CHURCH!

I was so excited Friday afternoon when I looked at the calendar and discovered that there wasn't much going on. The scheduled youth Temple trip had been cancelled, which meant that I didn't have to get up early Saturday morning and make the long drive to the Temple, 2 hours away. As much as I love when Austin gets to go with his friends to do the work of The Lord, I also find it a blessing when our weekends are quiet and we get to enjoy simply being together as a family and not rushing through the busy weekend. Our friend Cole (he's just a little older than Austin, but we love him just as much so we can call him our friend too!) came over on Friday to join Austin on the temple trip (which we didn't know was cancelled until after he got here) the next day, so he got to join in on our family time. Lucky him! 

Friday nights are usually pretty quiet for us. We like it that way. There's nothing better than curling up in my pj's with a good book or a movie to enjoy (BY MYSELF!!!) after the girls have gone to bed and the boys are busy gaming. In dealing with my illness I have learned that these quiet, selfish moments are critical for my well being. I set myself up with everything that I need, a drink, something to munch on, a warm blanket and I'm set for the evening. No need to move an inch. As a mother, in need pretty much all of the time, these moments are very much appreciated. 

Because we had company on Friday night (we like to be involved when our kids have friends over so that we can get to know the people they hang out with, so yes, he was OUR company) we decided to watch a movie together, but it didn't take long to see that the boys had other things in mind. They headed outside, which to me was a great idea! How often do we see our children headed outside these days? Hardly ever! They are far too distracted with their systems and devices, so when the boys offered up this outdoor adventure, I was more than game. Little did I know that those little stinkers had concocted a plan to plastic wrap and tp (toilet paper) mine and Andrews vehicles. Oh, they thought they were so funny! I didn't see it (Andrew cleaned it up before I had to witness it-he knows me well) but they had also found it funny to tp my bedroom. I should have known that they were up to something the moment they wanted to make a trip to the local dollar store. I did question why they returned home with plastic wrap but was satisfied when I asked what it was for and Cole responded with, "My parents wanted me to pick some up." Apparently I'm more gullible than I thought. 

The worst was the following morning when Kali, my 4 year old, woke up from her long nights sleep and headed into the bathroom to take a morning pee pee. The poor, sweet girl almost cried in embarrassment when she discovered that her pee was running down to the floor instead of into the toilet. Those brats had plastic wrapped the toilet seat and poor Kali didn't know what was going on. 

The pranks continued anywhere from salt in our beverages to hundreds of meaningless pictures filling up the memory on our phones to silly string and fog horns (ask Andrew how much he loves fog horns!). Even though I was nervous the entire time about how far they would go (I don't deal well with mess in my house!), I was happy to see them having a good time outside of their devices. Next time I'll be sure to suggest Cole's house as the sleep over spot. ;)

Saturdays are always so nice when we can take our time getting up and making breakfast (which usually turns into lunch because it takes us so long) and decide to do whatever plan comes to mind in the moment. This particular Saturday we decided that tobogganing was going to be the adventure of the day and we bundled up (all except Cole who wore nothing but a sweater) and headed for the slopes. Funny enough, we got a phone call from some friends letting us know that they were heading to the slopes at the very same time as us, so we met up. What a blast! Who doesn't love tobogganing?! It was a very wet day and by the time we left every one of us was dripping with wet snow but we didn't let that get in the way of our fun! One more quick stop to Timmies for some hot chocolate and donuts and we headed home. 

My brother-in-law Sam came over to spend some time with us that evening, so we decided on a family game night. We started off with Apples to Apples Disney Edition, Kali and Lili's favourite, and after they headed to bed, dare I say we enjoyed a game called, 'Munchies'. It's a nerd game (says me) that I would normally never even entertain the idea of playing, but because the rest of the fam was excited to try it out, I sucked up my pride and agreed to give it a try. It took me about 2/3 of the game to finally get the idea and just as I was starting to really be able to play, Andrew pulled out some crazy wild card and won the game. Boo! I was so close to winning! 

Sunday mornings are always hectic. I would love to know one family who has it all together on Sunday mornings getting ready for church. It's simply not possible. As Sundays are meant to be the one day a week that we devote to our Sunday best, it takes a lot of effort to get everyone showered and cleaned up, outfits picked out, hair done, make up on (I shouldn't be including make up as I'm the only one in the house who wears it and I can't even say that because all I apply is a little face cream, some lip gloss and mascara), snacks packed, breakfast eaten, and out the door on time for church. For those of you that don't attend church every week, it's like getting the whole family ready for a wedding every Sunday! It's exhausting and I always dread the stressful hours that lead up to Sunday morning church, but once we are there, the Spirit takes over and fills my heart with so much love, I am so grateful that we made the effort. 

For me, going to church is so refreshing. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Sunday is a day that we devote entirely to serving The Lord, without all of the distractions of the world. We do not play sports or go shopping on Sundays. We don't eat out or even put gas in our vehicles. We don't spend any money on Sundays at all. Anything that we feel we may need on a Sunday we simply prepare ahead of time on Saturday and if we have forgotten something and feel we may need it on Sunday, well it has to wait until Monday. I love it because it teaches us to be prepared as well as shows our dedication to The Lord. Sunday is a day of rest from all of the previous days stresses. It is a day to reflect on the challenges and mistakes that we made throughout the prior week and to be able to repent and partake of the sacrament and renew of our covenants that we have made to our Heavenly Father. When we are baptized, we are making a covenant (promise) to our Father in Heaven that we will keep His commandments and do as He would have us do. As none of us are perfect and we all make many mistakes throughout each day, Sunday is a day to be able to tell Heavenly Father that we are sorry for our mistakes and as we partake of the sacrament (bread and water), we are renewing our covanent with Him. It is truly a blessing to be able to feel His forgiveness each week and to be able to have a fresh start Monday morning as we venture back out into the world where we try so hard not to be so easily distracted. For us (Latter Day Saints), serving The Lord is something that we devote our time to each and every day of the week, not just on Sundays, so we need the extra boost to help us get through our week as we maintain a balance in our families, work, service, and callings that we hold within the church. It can become overwhelming at times and we always depend on the help of our Heavenly Father. When I don't make it to church, usually because one of the kids are sick, I really feel that void throughout my week. I need and depend on being able to renew my covenants on Sundays and feel so blessed that I have the knowledge of the Gospel in my life. I can honestly say that Sunday is, by far, my favourite day of the week and I look forward to it all week long!

Over all, it was another wonderful weekend, accompanied by many challenges (I won't bore you with the ugly details of my weekend). As I reflect on all of the blessings that I have in my life, at this moment, I am especially grateful for my health. I have felt pretty good since Christmas (Christmas is always overwhelming for me!) and although I'm still struggling with my 'new life', I'm grateful that I have been feeling somewhat balanced. I'm happy to say that the month of January came and went without any major episodes and I am ready to face February with the same hopes. As I never know what to expect with my illness, I can't be too certain of anything except, without the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, I would be lost. I would be without hope for my future and at many times, would find myself feeling as if I have no reason to live. Im so grateful for this blessing in my life and I encourage all who are without it to seek it out and invite it into your lives. The blessings will flo and you will be so full of love and gratitude for your life and hope for your future! 

For more information about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, visit our website at,

lds.org

For those of you that take the time to read my blogs, thank you. I know that they are long and can take some time out of your busy days. I start them with the intention of keeping it short and to the point, but once I get going, the words just start flowing. You're encouragement and support is overwhelming and I am grateful to be able to share my stories and feelings. Whether I am reaching out to some of you or simply just adding to your reading, I am grateful that you take the time to follow my blog and I will continue to write as often as I can. For nothing else, it is helping me and I can always use the help! 

Happy reading! Nighty night!

Sage's 8th 'Frozen' Birthday Party!

Sorry for my absence for the last week…I knew that it wouldn't be long before I disappeared for a couple of days (okay, I know…it's been 8 days…who's counting?). I have a pretty good excuse, although I'm sure that I could have shared what I was up to with you. Well, nows as good a time as ever!

Apparently I have given myself a reputation of throwing a really good party, and well the word is out! A friend of mine from church just brought her #7 bundle into the world and asked me to help her plan her daughters 8th 'Frozen' themed birthday party. I was thrilled to take on the challenge! The planning and creating kept me quite busy last week, but I love when I get to plan a party! It's always so exciting to get on Pinterest and see all the many wonderful ideas that others have come up with and then incorporate my own into the mix! With Frozen being the 'in' thing, there were limitless ideas already out there. So fun!

I don't know about you, but the first thing that I think about when I think of 'Frozen' is snow! Lots and lots of snow!!! And snowflakes!!! And ice!!! And cold!!! And I can't forget snowmen, that love warm hugs!!! So off to work I went, in search of whatever winter clearance items I could get my hands on!

Do you think that when I started searching for these items at the stores, it would be something that I could find? Of course, with it being January and the Christmas season behind us, all of the winter stuff was taken down, put away, and replaced with Valentines Day items! Are you kidding me? Everywhere that I went, I walked in to find an entire empty isle, lined with boxes of hearts and candy and red EVERYTHING, waiting to be put on the shelves! This wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, but it wasn't going to stop me either!

The first thing that I got to work on was Sage's birthday banner…

Sage wanted lots of blue's, white's, and silver's as her colour scheme, which went perfect with the Frozen theme. I found sparkly, blue snowflake card stock at our local craft store for $3.99 a piece (are you kidding me??!!), on sale for 50% off, so I bought two and decided that I would have to make do with that. One for the banner and one for the cute little paper trees that I was making to add to the decor. Luckily they had some cheaper sparkly silver and white paper for not nearly as much and I could mix it up a little. For the rest, I just used regular craft paper that Sage's mommy had in her craft supplies. Score!

Here are the fancy trees that I made…

The one on the left, I just happened to pick up off a clearance rack at Party City. The only thing that I could find that related to winter or Frozen or even the colour that I needed! The rest were just made out of card stock. They look so cute on the table buried in the cotton 'snow'! I loved them!

Sage and I found some really cute 'Elsa crowns' on Pinterest and she just had to have them. They were so easy to make! I got my super talented hubby to free hand a template for me and I cut them out of sheets of coloured foam. Next I glued glitter (which I will never do again as it took me 4 hours to do 14 crowns) with rubber cement, hole punched each side and tied a white ribbon through each hole for them to tie onto their pretty little girl heads. I was pretty tired by this point and decided that the hand cut snowflakes that I was going to make for each one (I couldn't find anything to do with snowflakes ANYWHERE!!! and free handing it was my back up) had to go! I made one and placed it on Sage's crown to make hers the special birthday girl crown.

                                 

Sage's little brothers would be attending the party as well but couldn't possibly wear an 'Elsa crown' so I made them little 'Sven' antlers to wear instead, courtesy of my hubby's amazing talents again. He laughs because this is such a simple thing to draw, but I couldn't draw it if my life depended on it.

A snowflake committee commenced at some point during the party preparations and thanks to my friends, Erica, Roya and Kathy, we had plenty of beautiful white snowflakes made out of doilies to add to the decorations!

I bought lots of other pretty blue, white and silver items to make the party just right and by Friday night,

after making the blue chocolate dipped marshmallows,

and a visit from Sage's mommy and daddy (who were stopping in for just a quick second, but we kept them talking until midnight and their brand new, week old baby girl was at home screaming her little lungs out with grandma…I'm soooo sorry Elora!),  I was as ready as I was going to be.

I had planned to be at the church, where the party was being held, by 9am, but as Saturday mornings usually go in our house, we didn't end up getting there until after 11am and I was stressed (but careful to hide that small detail from Sage's mommy who had just delivered a baby, is caring for all of her other children, planning a birthday party, as well as a blessing and a baptism for the next day! if anybody was entitled to be stressed, it was her, not me!).

Before we left, I got my girls all dolled up, doing their hair like Elsa and Anna, whom they love to think that they are when they play together. They looked so cute!

Kali, my oldest daughter had her hair done like Elsa,

and my little Lili like Anna. 

Haha! I laugh out loud every time I look at this picture of Lili. She was sad because I brushed her hair.

We made it to the church and got straight to work, with me as bossy as usual, snapping at my poor husband every time that he did anything slightly different from what I had asked him to do. I'm pretty sure that he was ready to walk out the door on me the moment I said, "Oh Andrew, Kathy asked me to help her with Sage's birthday party"! He knows me well enough by now that if there is a party in progress, my role as a wife and mother get put aside. But he never does walk out that door. He patiently helps me with whatever I need, every time I make the decision to start another party planning adventure, ignoring the mess of the house, lack of groceries and clean laundry, and always lovingly pep-talking me through my last minute melt down at the very end of it all, when I feel like it isn't going to come together the way that I wanted it to. He knows how much I love looking at all of the pictures afterwards and posting them all on Facebook to brag to my Facebook world about how much I had just accomplished (while meanwhile my entire life is falling apart around me) and he always reassures me of how successful everything went, despite my chaotic lifestyle for the weeks leading up to it. It's amazing the simple things that make us realize just how lucky we are to have such incredible people in our lives! (I just turned to Andrew and said, "Oh, you're getting praise in this one baby! Everyone is going to be telling you that you're the man!". It would be awesome if you did! His confidence would boost, even though he would never show it, that wonderful, humble man that he is!)

Just as we were about ready for the party to begin, Sage's friends starting walking in, one by one, and before long all 12 girls were ready to party!

I'm glad that I was too busy to notice that my banner had fallen because I would have been quite sad about it. It would've made for a better picture had gravity not taken a toll on the thin string that it hung from.

Kali and Lili let their Elsa and Anna barbies join the party also!

Melted snow water bottles and cute little snowmen heads made by Sage's mommy! I already showed you my marshmallows.

Snowman building, snowflake decorating, and Roll-A-Snowman centres were set up for the kids to enjoy.

Can't forget Pin-The-Nose-On-Olaf game that once more, my talented hubby drew by special request from Sage! So fun!

On to opening presents and enjoying some yummy cake to finish off the birthday celebrations!

Overall, I'm pretty sure that Sage and her friends had an icy blast of a time! Okay, that was lame! Haha! Everyone seemed to leave happy, with their treat bags of candy, the edible snowmen that they made and their Elsa crowns! It was a great success!

After a quick clean up with a team of grandparents and friends to help out the party was over and I was ready for a big, long nap! (Kathy, if you are reading this, I loved every second of helping you out! Truly! And don't ever be scared to ask me again! Lol!)

Happy Birthday Sage!

I'm off to finish the last 3 chapters of my book that I ordered a couple of weeks ago, Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson. I'll be happy to tell you all about it tomorrow!

Nighty night all! Sweet dreams!

Busy But Eventful Weekend!

Happy Monday everyone! I know, Mondays are not normally happy but, in my perfect world, everything is happy! So with forced, exaggerated effort I wish you all a happy Monday!

I'm going to try to make this one quick this morning! I have a lot to get caught up on. My poor family is without any clean laundry, and the bathrooms...well they could definitely use a scrub! I'm pretty sure the vacuum has been sitting in the hall for two weeks, waiting to be put to use. Oh well! Such is life and I'm learning to love it!

It was a busy, yet eventful weekend for us. It started Saturday morning when my alarm when off at 6:00am. Andrew and I were going with some friends to the Toronto Temple, which is a lengthy hour and a half drive, so we wanted to head out early. 

I always take a picture of the Temple, as we get close enough to see it, to send to the kids at home. I want them to feel my excitement for the Temple so that they can grow to love it as much as I do. Here it is...

The Temple was a wonderful experience! It always is! It is so quiet and beautiful inside. It always makes me feel so peaceful and free from the worries of the world. Even in the darkest times of my life (when the adversary works the hardest to make me feel unworthy of entering the Temple), I know that as soon as I walk through those doors, I am leaving the darkness outside. It is truly a spiritual place, full of Heavenly Fathers love. 

After we left the Temple, we made a quick visit to the Lindt Chocolate Store in Toronto. It's a tradition for our friends, that I will be sure to make a part of our trips. The selection was great! There was even a discounted section in the back for the recently expired chocolate, most of which was 50% off! Who doesn't love a deal?!

After we left the chocolate store, we headed to Applebee's for a deliciously wonderful lunch. Here we are, trying to stay very still while Brian took a wide angled shot to fit us all in. Heaven forbid my husband smile in a picture. It's highly unlikely for him!

Our drive home was full of laughter, so much that we all had sore cheeks the next day at church. All this talk of pumpkins and pumpkin carving had us in stitches (sorry everyone! It's an inside joke and you couldn't pay me enough to tell you)! Somehow through all the laughter, Andrew still managed to fall asleep. Here's a failed attempt at capturing his short-lived nap...

He is such a lite sleeper that he could feel us plotting and woke up just as Brian snapped the picture. Darn!

Here's me with an entire moon shaped chocolate in my mouth, waiting for the explosion of liquid chocolate to break through the chocolate shell! Although I couldn't breath, it was well worth the wait!

I see that I have such great friends, making bunny ears behind me! Ian!!!

Brian, Jill and I, with Andrew being creepy in the background! 

Oh yes! Can't forget the kissing! Ian's getting it from both sides! Yikes!

Needless to say, we were full of silliness all the way home, which was a great finish to our trip!

As if my day had not been remarkable enough, I came home to this thoughtful gift that had been delivered by a new and very dear friend! She must be paying attention because I love the colour pink! Baby pink! She could have brought me an old pair of stinky sneakers, as long as they were pink, I would have loved them! Though this was a much better choice than sneakers and it definitely made my day! It's so nice to have sweet friends!

Sunday came along and, of course, we have church, which is always they most uplifting part of my weekend! One of Austin's dear friends received the Aaronic Priesthood, which is a very exciting moment for a young man. We are so proud of him! Ironically, his name is Aaron! Haha! Aaron + ironic = Aaronic! I wonder if anyone else thought of that, or if I'm the only one that has far too much time on my hands?! 

After church we rushed home to get in a quick bite and headed back for two baptisms. A sweet couple, who have been investigating the church for a few weeks now, made an excellent choice to be baptized. It was an enjoyable experience and the spirit was very strong. 

What's a baptism without refreshments, right? Here's some 'mini cherry tarts' that I whipped up. Super easy and they ended up tasting not so bad either (because it's always about the presentation with me...tasting good is just a bonus! I'm totally kidding!).

Following the baptism, we headed home for dinner, which we super excited about, because we were having bacon wrapped, goat cheese chicken breasts (yummy) and who wouldn't love that? Unfortunately, because we weren't going to be home all day, I made them in the crock pot and they ended up a total bust! All the flavour blended together and the chicken, funny enough, was dry! What?! Boo! Next time I'll be sure to make them in the oven. Lesson learned!

Before we could even clean up from dinner, I had fallen asleep on the couch and didn't wake up until the middle of the night, to find my husband asleep on the couch beside me. Awe! He didn't want to wake me or leave me alone (I'm terrified of the dark!) so he fell asleep beside me until I woke up and we could go to bed together. Sometimes it's the simple things that make all the difference! 

Oh I almost forgot! Look what came in this weekend! My new book 'Heaven is Here' by Stephanie Nielson! Yayyy! This is the one that I was telling you about in blog post #1 about the LDS woman who was horribly burned when her plane crashed in 2008 killing the pilot (a dear friend of hers) and leaving her and her husband nearly dead. She shares details of her overwhelming daily trials and the road she took to acceptance of her new life. I can't wait to read it and share it with you!

Overall, it was an awesome weekend and nothing got done around here so here I go, off to get started on my house duties! If you don't hear from me for a week, perhaps you'd better check on me. I may have disappeared in my disasterous mess! 

Happy Monday everyone! Make it a good one!