Having bipolar disorder is like being on a never-ending roller coaster of emotions. The track (your life) is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, dips and curves, at all different levels and speeds. Imagine a roller coaster creeping it's way up a really big slope, higher and higher, until eventually you've reached the clouds and you are surrounded with the brightest and most glorious sky that you have ever seen, convincing you that Heavenly Father stands at the head of it. But wait, all of a sudden there is a slight turn in the path and before you know it you are speeding down the steepest hill, faster and faster, until you reach the bottom where you are met with a long, dark tunnel, full of deamons and fire breathing dragons pulling at you from every angle. Of course it never ends there! It continues it's course up and down, alternating between large and small hills, around curves and bends, through more dark tunnels and back into the glorious sky, over and over again, until you are so exhausted that all you can do is shut down and tune everything out around you.
Sounds fun eh?! Lol! I'm sure that to many of you that enjoy the thrill of a roller coaster, it could sound exhilarating, but imagine this roller coaster never ending. Just when you think that you are getting to the end, it makes another turn and climbs another hill, over and over again, until you realize that you are going to ride this roller coaster for the rest of your life.
In all seriousness, there isn't anything fun about it. It's exhausting, confusing, emotionally draining, and lonely, but most of all, it's terrifying! The fear of never knowing what mood you will be in when you wake up in the morning, or on the occasion when you are experiencing a really high, elevated day, the fear of going to sleep at night, knowing that eladedness will be gone come morning and more than likely will result in the following day being spent in darkness and despair. But the most terrifying of all (and this takes a great deal of humility for me to admit) is when I'm in a complete fit of rage and I see the fear in my childrens eyes as they watch me try to rip the demons out from inside of me that are convincing me to take my own useless and burdensome life, that is the scariest of it all. That is as dark as it can get for me and I realize how horribly crazy that may seem to a lot of you but for me who has had to live through it on countless occasions, I can assure you, it is far more horrifying to experience than to hear about. One can understand why someone like me (in the past) would turn to drink or drugs to drive away the horridness of these situations. It's no wonder that we have so many people that become destructive and ultimately destroy their lives with substance abuse. I get it! I did it! But I'll tell you, having lived through it and come out the other side of it, I can tell you that it's not worth it. It only brings you deeper and deeper into the darkness of depression. A temporary fix ALWAYS leads to long term suffering. Unfortunately, the pain and fear is too much to bare at times and most become defeated by submitting to their weaknesses.
Feeling defeated is something that I experience much in my life, making it nearly impossible to experience the feeling of progression that we are all working so hard to attain in our lives.
I say that but I am also full of gratitude, because as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I have a knowledge that not only can I learn to lessen my afflictions through the Attonement of Jesus Christ, but I also have the knowledge that one day I can return to live with my Father in Heaven and be completely and wholly healed of them! That is a knowledge that I wouldn't trade for any illness or affliction that I have experienced in my time here on Earth! Because of what I know through the gospel of Jesus Christ, I am able to have hope for a better and brighter future for myself and my family. I am able to maintain a relationship with my Heavenly Father that allows me to receive inspiration and council from Him that helps me to make good choices that will lead me closer to salvation and further away from the darkness that sometimes enters my life. From the guidance of the Holy Ghost, that He has blessed me with through the waters of baptism, I am able to listen and hear answers to my prayers and gain a better understanding as to why I am experiencing these difficult times in this life and I learn how to manage myself in a way that lessons my load of trials. I am fully blessed to have the gospel in my life to lead and direct me each day to live a fuller and more prosperous life that will eventually bring me all of the joy and happiness that I may have for my future.
The Word of Wisdom (https://www.lds.org/topics/word-of-wisdom?lang=eng) is one of the greatest revelations that we have been given to help direct our lives in the last days, the days in which we are now living. Heavenly Father knew that times were going to get tough and therefore offered this council as direction for a better and healthier lifestyle, which would lead to a more pure mind, body and spirit. By following His teachings, and living the Word of Wisdom, we are more susceptible to His council and can therefor see more clearly of what we need to do to become closer to returning to live with Him one day and receiving all the many wonderful and glorious blessings that He has and will continue to promise us.
There is no other way to live than through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, relying fully on His Attonement to heal and bless us in every detail. It is the way in which our Father in Heaven prepared for us to be able to grow and learn and experience so that we may gain an understanding greater than what we could ever imagine! I know that my eyes have been opened far more because of the trials that I have faced and continue to face in my life. Because I am pushed to my breaking point, I can appreciate so much greater the joy and fulfillment that come from my experiences and although it is heart wrenching while we are going through these horrible trials, we have so much better an understanding as we make it through them.
Faith is something that I pray for continually in my life, and although I feel that I am someone who lacks faith, I can see it strengthening as I am faced with each and every trial that comes my way. I am grateful for the opportunity to feel hardship as I know that I have grown tremendously because of it. Each and every day I am tried but each and everyday my faith is strengthened and I become that much closer to living with my Heavenly Father. Sometimes it feels as though I am not growing at all but when I take a step back and remember where I was a month ago, or a year ago, or a decade ago, I am reminded that my trials have not gone unrewarded.
My prayer is that I can touch others in my life...my children, a sister, brother, cousin, friend, or even a stranger...and that through my example of faith in my Saviour, I may share the knowledge that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us and that this plan will lead to our eternal salvation. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be without the eternal blessings that He has promised us and I feel so much gratitude in my heart towards Him for preparing this way before us. We so often let our pride get in the way of what we could have. If we could only listen to The Spirit more carefully and hear the words which He is speaking to us, without all of the distraction that block our views each day, we would be so much more blessed by His generosity that He is so desperately wanting us to receive.
The love that I have toward my Heavenly Father has grown so much throughout each of my trials and I can more clearly see what He is trying to help each of us achieve. I am so grateful for the time that I have been given on Earth to learn and grow and I have faith in the plan that Heavenly Father has for me personally while I am here.
Coming from someone who has mentally experienced being dragged through the depths of hell and can still remain faithful and full of gratitude on the other side of it, is a sure sign that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the ONLY way to live a fulfilling and accomplished life. It is the reason for our existence and the sooner that we realize it and welcome it in to our lives, the sooner it will begin filling us with richness and blessings beyond anything we have ever imagined! Life isn't about the large houses that we live in or the fancy cars that we drive, how much money we make or how many trips we can take. It's about the way we live our lives, the service that we do, the love that we have for everyone, the growth and knowledge that we attain, the relationship that we build with our Heavenly Father, and the covenants that we make and keep with Him. We will never run out of opportunities to learn and grow and it is our duty to make the most out of lives each and every day.
As I continue to struggle with my severe illness, the most important thing for me to do is pray. Through prayer my relationship with my Heavenly Father is strengthened and I am able to receive council and direction. Through direction I am able to know what will help me to receive the healing that I am seeking for myself and my family. Through healing I receive faith in my Saviour and His sacrificing Attonement. All good things are achieved through the Attonement of Jesus Christ.
For me, most days are a struggle, but I am learning what can help them to improve. The dark days come and I take them as they come and when the bright days come, I soak them up as much as I possibly can. Each day is different from the last, but the one thing that is certain and will never change is the faith that I have that my Father in Heaven has a greater plan for me than I have for myself and therefor, I look to Him each and every day to see fit that I will grow in knowledge and spirit the way He would have me do. I am so grateful for my testimony that I have built through the Gospel of Jesus Christ and it soothes my mind to know that eventually all will be for a greater purpose, far beyond our understanding in this life!
Jara, you are amazing. Thanks for sharing your story. Hope you and your family are feeling better!!
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