Heavenly Father Hears and Answers All of Our Prayers

This morning I woke up from a very bad dream, only to realize that it wasn't a dream at all. It was very real and my husband and I had just experienced one of the saddest moments in our marriage. 

Yesterday, 2 days before I was due to clear my 1st trimester of pregnancy (a milestone that every pregnant woman is relieved to reach), I started noticing some mild cramping in my lower abdomen and back. It was so mild that I wrote it off as my uterus stretching, getting ready for this growing baby inside of me. We were on our way home from church when I noticed the pain and had forgotten all about it by the time we walked through the door. 

It's the May long weekend and our family had planned on visiting 'home' to visit friends and family that we hadn't seen for a while, and like always were very excited, but I guess that Heavenly Father knew what the weekend had in store for us more than we did because one of our little girls came down with Scarlett Fever (very scary but she's fine now), leaving us with no choice but to cancel our trip and stay close to home instead. I've learned that when something comes up, causing us to miss out on our adventures, I need to put my trust in Heavenly Father who knows what is best for us more than we ourselves do. So as much as we were disappointed to not be able to go, we knew that there was a reason behind it. 

I came in the house and, like most pregnant women, headed straight for the bathroom. Everything was fine until I wiped and noticed some light red/pink blood on my toilet paper and a red flag instantly went up. Something was wrong and I knew it. I didn't want to panic just incase it was nothing so I laid on the couch and searched the net for any sense of relief that I could find. There were many sites, some medical, which suggested that if there is blood and cramping within pregnancy to seek medical attention right away, as well as some chat groups, which involved numerous women talking about similar symptoms, most of which ended up being nothing to worry about and had carried their babies to full-term. It left me feeling entirely unsure of what I could expect. There wasn't much blood so I decided to wait it out a little longer but to make sure that I was resting.

Our cancelled trip caused us to miss out on some much needed family campfire time, so to make the best out of a disappointing situation, Friday evening we had picked up a fire pit of our own and had planned to have a small campfire in our backyard (which we weren't sure was legal but we were up for the challenge) Saturday night. The kids were so looking forward to our outdoor adventure and had helped daddy set up our new fire pit as well as our new patio furniture and, of course, their camping chairs. 

I had gotten a small nap in and was feeling better so I woke to help Andrew with dinner when all of a sudden I felt a gush of blood flow out of me. I ran to the bathroom with a face full of panic and tears, immediately deciding that a hospital trip was now very necessary. We called our 'London mom', Kathy, who came over right away to play with the girls while we headed to the hospital. Thank goodness for mothers!

This has been my hardest pregnancy yet. Not only was I violently ill for many weeks, causing me to spend most of my time in bed and then leading me into a pretty intense episode of depression, I've also had this sad feeling of not ever getting to enjoy this baby, as if I was just a tool in helping it gain life and then watching as it returned to live with Heavenly Father again. A couple of dreams about losing the baby had left me startled and confused, but with the help of others around me I was able to brush them off as normal pregnancy fears. 

All of the way to the hospital I felt strongly that this was it, that the baby was gone, but as we sat in the waiting room and then the ER room waiting for the doctor to be able to see us, my worry started to fade and I managed to have a glimmer of hope that we may actually walk out of there, still parents-to-be to our number four. The blood work came back and the nurse notified us that my hCG levels were still very high, which was a good sign, so we started to think of other possibilities at this point, much more optimistic than leaving with no baby at all. 

In our faith, we know that families are forever and that even if this sweet baby didn't make it past the first trimester we would still have the opportunity to know and love it once we ourselves return to our Father in Heaven again one day. Keeping that in mind was certainly helpful while going through this experience but (I speak for myself and not my husband at this point) what happened next left me feeling so empty and alone and, at this point, I didn't know what to make of the situation.

After 9 excruciatingly long hours of playing the waiting game to know whether our baby was still with us or not, the doctor finally made his way into our room. It seemed like only moments before he had a bed side ultrasound and was checking for a heartbeat. I looked at the screen and was positive that I had seen a little face and waited so intently to see a beating little heart, but as the doctor spoke the words, "I'm afraid that I can't make out a fetus at all." my heart skipped a beat or two and I lost my breath completely. I looked up at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face as he explained that sometimes during the first trimester of pregnancy, everything seems normal and pregnancy symptoms develop but the cells and tissue do not form a fetus. So my body was going through all of the signs of pregnancy, from morning sickness to a growing sack and uterus but there was no baby being developed. He told us that it was more common than we would imagine and that if we talk to some of our friends they may actually have a similar story to tell.

Needless to say, I left the hospital feeling very empty. I had a million questions that I wanted immediate answers to but my biggest question of all was, 'Does this mean that this little spirit that I had just spent the last 12 weeks bonding with doesn't even exist?'. I mean, 'will I ever meet this sweet spirit or did I really just bond with an undeveloped fetus?'. That is a very uneasy, unfair feeling that nobody should ever have to experience and I can't tell you that I have a logical answer to my question other then, we are all faced with challenges. Some mild, others severe but all are for our Eternal growth and understanding. 

I consider this one of my greatest challenges, above my mental illness, above my unfair upbringing, above the fact that my marriage has been on the downslopes for much over two years now, but I know and believe with everything that I have that it is for a purpose. A purpose far greater than what I can even try to comprehend in this life and one day I, WE, will all have answers to our many questions and we will know that we are loved so very much. I know that The Saviour has His arms around me at this very moment. I've felt Him here since the long drive home last night when the thought of how very blessed Andrew and I are to have three beautiful, healthy children came into my heart and I felt at peace. 

I don't know if it's fair to consider this a blessing, but for the first time in a very long time last night I was able to reach out to my husband and while in his arms, feel a sense of security that we are going to make it together. I was reassured when I lay in bed between my two beautiful girls that I am a good mother and that I deserve this incredible family that I have been blessed with. I am pleased to know that we have raised a good son to his youth and that he is making excellent choices everyday that bring him closer to Heavenly Father. 

I am full of love today. Love for my Saviour. Love for my Father in Heaven. They are both strengthening me and I can feel it. I pray that my love luminates to others around me so they can also feel of the love that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for us because it is the only thing in the world that can make us whole, despite all of our trials and our weaknesses. 

Yesterday at church, in the primary class that I teach, my lesson was on how 'Heavenly Father Hears and Answers All of Our Prayers'. In the lesson it talks about how sometimes the answer that He has for us is not the answer that we want to hear or sometimes He doesn't answer right away and it's hard to remain faithful and strong during those times. I encouraged these young children that I teach to be mindful of those times when Heavenly Father has answered their prayers and it may not necessarily be the answer that they want to hear and to try to be more accepting that Heavenly Father knows what is best for our lives more than we know for ourselves. It is important to trust in Him that He will direct our lives in a way that is best for us, even if we don't understand it at that time. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have taught that lesson to the children because I believe that it was Heavenly Fathers way of preparing me for what was about to happen in my life. I have prayed for a long time to be able to have another baby and I believe that His answer is, 'it's not quite the right time'. I have faith that His plan for me is perfect for the life that He has for me and I am grateful to be able to trust in Him.

I bare you my testimony that The Saviour lives, that the atonement is very real and that through it we can all be saved and feel of His love, even in the darkest of moments. I am grateful to know and serve Him and to be able to feel of His love for me in times when I feel completely alone. I am grateful for trial that helps me grow and makes me stronger and reminds me that there is so much more to life than what we see in everyday situations. There is an incredible plan...a perfect plan...that Heavenly Father has for each of us and if we can all look to Him for guidance, we can and WILL be shown the way. I leave you my testimony and my love in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.