Most of you know that I had a pretty rough childhood, due to mental illness. Most of my teenage and early adolescent years were spent in a very dark place. I've shared my story on previous blogs and for those of you that know me well, know that I haven't always been an 'all together kind of a girl' (not that I am now). For some reason I insist on learning the hard way. It's just the way it goes with me. I think it's fair to say that I have never insinuated that I am perfect, nor even remotely close to it, but one thing is for certain...today, at this very moment in time, I have an excellent relationship with my Heavenly Father.
There have been times where I was so full of darkness, I attempted to end my own life. There have been countless times where I didn't feel worthy of God's love for me. To this day I struggle to know for a certainty whether those that I am closest to even love me at all.
Living with mental illness is not an easy road. I have wanted to throw in the towel many times, but one thing that I know is that the longer that I live with it, the more I learn from it. This is my path on this journey of life. For some greater purpose beyond what I understand at this point, I have to experience this in order to fulfill my role in building up the kingdom of heaven.
Those of us that struggle with illness of any kind know that in periods of our lives, when we are doing all that we can to receive the light, darkness still manages to creep up on us. Sometimes we see it coming and we are able to prevent it. Other times we do whatever it takes to keep it out, yet it still comes. Most times it hits us like a ton of unwanted bricks and there is nothing that we can do to prevent it. For whatever reason that it has crept up on us and left us debilitated, I want you to know that there is always hope. On the other side of darkness, there is always light. We may not see it as easily as others at times, but we can have faith that it is always there.
I recently went through a two-year period of depression. Two of my children are very small, my youngest only just over a year at the time that the depression hit, and the next being 2 and a half, both at the age of which we all know to be the most crucial in a child's development. I was unable to properly provide the most basic of necessities for my small children, let alone help any kind of development. The guilt that I felt during that period was unbearable, anything beyond what I have ever experienced. I spent months at a time not being able to leave my bedroom, hardly able to walk myself to the bathroom, let alone care for two small, fully dependant children who needed my undivided attention. Satan deceived me into thinking that family members and friends, very close to my heart, felt that I was nothing short of a burden in their lives (perhaps it was true for some), as he does time and time again. He snuck into my mind at a time where I was vulnerable and convinced me that I was entirely worthless. Many times during that two-year period I felt an unpleasant urge to end my life so that my children could have a life better than what I was able to give them. Each day that I continued to feel this way was one day closer to making the decision to end my life.
My husband was a constant target. He is to this day. Every time that I have a 'bad day' or week, month, year, etc my husband bares the brunt of it. Thankfully, when in search of my eternal companion, Heavenly Father knew exactly what lay ahead for us and He blessed me with one of the most supportive, loving and humble men on the planet. Although I know this and am forever grateful, I often let life get in the way and my illness take over and how quickly I forget the man that he is. (I'll keep working on that one😉)
During this two years, I rarely felt worthy of taking the sacrament or getting on my knees in prayer. My relationship with Heavenly Father became more of a guilt-ridden burden than what it was truly meant to be. Over time I lost almost all hope and faith in His plan for my life. I had no purpose and no reason to breath. I was a burden to my family, friends and those around me.
Slowly, through attending my church meetings, listening to the talks during sacrament and learning the basics that I was teaching in my primary class, I learned and then experienced that Heavenly Fathers hand is forever stretched out, waiting for us to reach up and grab hold of His grace. I felt of His love for me at a time where there was no hope. Through the little things that I heard or read, I began to realize that it was up to me to find solace for my life again. I had to push through the endless guilt and torment that engulfed my thoughts and force myself to read and study as much about the gospel of Jesus Christ as I could. I focused on stories full of miracles and began to have faith that if I prayed for my own miracle I was worthy of receiving one.
Eventually, through inspiration, our family received our miracle. It came in the form of a tiny spirit baby that only blessed us for a very short time but long enough to know that Heavenly Father was and is guiding our lives and that as long as we continue to trust in Him and His plan for us, we will make it through this life that can so often get us down.
Many great and wonderful blessings came from this time in our lives and we are a stronger family because of it. Since then, my eyes have been more open to the beauty that He has blessed us with. The sky is bluer, the grass greener, my family happier. I am able to serve better, love better and let go of more. Don't get me wrong, the darkness still sneaks into my life and I have really, REALLY bad moments, but now I am able to have more faith in the light at the end of the tunnel.
The bottom line is that we all fall short of perfection. Each of us struggles in our own way. If only we could be a little kinder, reach out a little harder, love a little more, we would realize that we are all children of God with one common ground...figuring out who we are and what we have to offer. Heavenly Father is aware of each of us individually and the struggles that we face.
If we only had more empathy for the paths that each of us have walked, we might find that we are all fallen souls living in a fallen world and that is exactly where we are supposed to be. We are all walking the path necessary for our learning and growth that Heavenly Father knows will be beneficial for our future. We are learning lessons along the way, some of which will take us a lifetime to learn. Please don't judge me because you learned it quicker than I did. And please don't tell me that the solution is simple because perhaps in my perspective, it isn't.
We all receive inspiration and insight for our own lives. Just because one thing works one way for someone doesn't mean that it will work the same way for someone else. Life is so complex. We can't even begin to figure out how it all works outside of walking the path that we are led to walk. Heavenly Father is guiding each of us individually for what He has prepared for us and our lives. He knows us inside and out and He loves us perfectly. May we always be able to push aside the demons that work so hard to bring us down and always be mindful of the end result. We are never alone, no matter how much we may feel we are. Keep going beauties! This life is full of goodness and glory...some of us just have to experience the darkness for a while until we can find the light again, but rest assured that it is always there, waiting and willing to light up your life!
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