When I was in a really good place, when my diet was good and my body was far more pure than it is now or has been in the past, my mind was full of clarity and my heart was open to receive the messages of love and forgiveness that God wanted to share with me.
One day I was standing in the kitchen, preparing lunch for my youngest and I (everyone else was at school), and my thoughts focused on my first born son, Austin's deceased Nana, whom I'd never had the chance to meet in this life. We had been working on Austin's family history and wanted to start with her as she had played such a big role in Austin coming into this world. (That's a whole different story that I will share another time). As I was focusing on her, I knew that she was there with me, so close that I felt that if I reached out to touch her I could, but I couldn't really because she was in a different dimension, where space does not exist but only a connection or a bond between all of Gods creatures which flows freely through all of us. I could feel, in that moment, her very existence and how connected we are to one another, not in a physical nature but a spiritual one, and that as she simply entered my thoughts, it was as though we were standing directly together, except that we weren't because, like I said, from my understanding in this moment, there is no such thing as space in that realm. I felt her presence so strong that I could not deny her being with me and I began talking to her, not through words, but through thought. Our existence was simply connected in a way that, without any words spoken at all, she knew exactly what I was communicating to her.
I remember my first thoughts being about her having part in preparing Austin to come to this world and asking her if she had, in fact, been with him, as we had all expected at his birth. In that moment I felt her thoughts flow through me as though I could hear her every word as clear as if she were standing before me, speaking them. She told me that she had been with Austin, that she had always been with Austin from the beginning, throughout his entire life and that she would continue to be with him always. I felt her immense love for him flow through me as her thoughts entered into my soul.
For a brief moment my emotions turned to fear as I thought of all that she had witnessed throughout Austin's life...the horrible mistakes that I had made as his mother, the ugly abuse that took place between his father and I toward one another that Austin was witnessed to, my behaviour following his father and my separation for a period of years that was spiraling me toward a terrible destruction of, not only my life, but Austin's also. It's amazing how many thoughts a person can have in a matter of only seconds when communicating in this dimension. But then it happened...the beauty of this entire story, the reason for this sacred experience...
As quickly as my mortal mind went to fear, her eternal presence filled my soul with love. In an instant I felt nothing but pure, eternal love and empathy flow from within her to me. I felt her complete understanding for me, my trials, my mistakes, and the trauma that I caused this sweet boy fill my entire existence and in that moment I experienced a love so whole that I could never again deny how truly, deeply, sacredly I am loved, WE are loved, beyond anything that we, as mortals, could ever begin to imagine or comprehend. It was a love so pure, without any expectation, with absolute forgiveness...no, not forgiveness because they have no room for forgiveness as there is no anger. Empathy is a better word here...with absolute empathy for who we are and what we have endured, that they don't see anything but love in every action we make here in this life. The best part was, that as I felt her undeniable, unconditional love and acceptance for me, I could also feel it for myself, something I have never experienced in this mortal world.
That day, as that love flowed through my soul, for the first time in my existence, I loved myself. And not only did I love myself but I forgave myself for all that I and others around me had polluted my sweet spirit into believing that I was. As I felt this love pour into me, I fell to my knees in gratitude for what I was experiencing. In all of the darkness, sadness and misery I had ever felt, this moment seemed to wash it all away in only an instant as peace and love filled my soul. I cried for a long time, all the while feeling her loving arms wrapped tightly around me, and when I was finally able to regain enough strength to come back to my feet, I felt her strength lifting me from my knees and I knew in that moment that I never had to do anything alone ever again.
This was my moment of realization that there are so many loved ones and friends on the other side, continually supporting us through this often confusing and scary journey and although I have always been taught and received great confirmation of a loving Saviour who gave His life for me and all of us, I have never experienced such a personal manifestation as I did this day. This was personal and raw and real and, to me, was as sacred an experience as I could ever imagine. She was undoubtably there with me, as though the world froze in time and there was nothing in this world that could interrupt this moment.
While in her loving care I knew that the love I was feeling wasn't contained simply within her, but that she was connected to a higher, eternal source, one that was radiating on a greater frequency of light and love and although her love was so magnificent and magical, I knew it was only a mere fraction of the love that was emulating through her from that greater source. I understood that she was a messenger of the love that God has for all of us and that she was sent to share it with me for my knowledge and healing in that sacred moment of my existence.
It was such a crucial part of my healing, my seeking of spiritual knowledge of who I am and what I am worth. It gave me power beyond anything I have ever felt, because love is power. It is the most powerful tool one can attain in this life and I know that now. I've spent so much of my life building up walls to protect myself from the hurt and the pain that I've felt within me, that I've too often blocked love from flowing freely into my heart, and although I'm nowhere close to the loving being that I hope to be eventually, I try not to dwell on what I lack, but what I am that is love and build strength from there. I still, so often since this experience, let the pain of others negative words or feelings toward me pull me down to often utter self torment but, because of this experience, I am quickly reminded that I am loved beyond anything that anyone in this mortal world can offer me and I find strength and healing through that.
This experience was one of many that has led me to where I am today. I cannot deny that there is something or someone so whole that is guiding and directing our path here on earth and the love that I feel from that Source fills my being with such faith, love and acceptance that I no longer have room for the constant fear, guilt, or feeling of never being good enough that I have carried for so long. It has left me and I now know that I am perfectly loved and accepted right where I am and that I AM good enough...I am MORE than good enough! I am cherished, I am valued, I am safe in the arms of my Father, my Creator, whatever He/She/It is and I can continue on growing with a more open heart, giving and receiving of all of the love I can get my hands/heart on.